I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
