I can't breathe out the right side of my face
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
