Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
