I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
