Ambien. No doubt about it.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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