Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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