So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You took a bar mat shot.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
