I'm going to rape someone's good day.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
