Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
