my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
We smell like vodka and hangover
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
