I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
