You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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