Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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