Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
