Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
