i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
