im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
