This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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