just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
