I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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