Swine flu. Run for my life!
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
