Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
