he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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