Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize