dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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