Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
