Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
