I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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