mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
