I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
