Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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