The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
