Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
