Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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