I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
