Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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