Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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