I wish I could teleport
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
this hospital has no fireball
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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