You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
