he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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