I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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