walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
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