I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize