My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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