Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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