if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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