our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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