she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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