I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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