last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I did not marry a roomba.
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