I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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