btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
