I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
