I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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