I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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