if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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