Your tits are I can't wait for
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
