Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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