It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
